Have I got Aspergers?

I have already mentioned how I went through a stage where I was convinced that I had aspergers syndrome.
My uncle has Aspergers, so I've kinda grown up around it.
SO WHAT IS IT?
"Asperger syndrome is one of the autism spectrum disorders (ASD). This means that people with Asperger syndrome can display a wide range of behaviours and social skills, and no two individuals will have the same set of characteristics. 

Some people will demonstrate skills that are mostly in line with their peers, while others may present with ‘odd’ behaviours. Other people will appear to be significantly different from their peers."
- http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/asperger%27s_syndrome 

Characteristics

I have highlighted the ones that relate to me 

• Difficulty in forming friendships
• A preference for playing alone or with older children and adults
• Apparently good language skills, but difficulty with communication. Language may be considered to be very advanced or ‘precocious’ when compared to their peers. The person may be able to talk extensively on a topic of interest, but have difficulty with more practical tasks such as recounting the day’s events, telling a story, or understanding jokes and sarcasm
• A lack of appreciation that communication involves listening as well as talking. For instance, they may not allow their communication partner an opportunity to engage in the conversation
• A very literal understanding of what has been said. For example, when asked to ‘get lost’ (go away) a person with Asperger syndrome will likely become confused and may literally try to ‘get lost’
• Inability to understand the rules of social behaviour, the feelings of others and difficulty ‘reading’ body language. For example, a person with Asperger syndrome may not understand that someone is showing that they are unhappy by frowning
• Behaviour varies from mildly unusual, eccentric or ‘odd’, to quite aggressive and difficult
• Having rules and rituals that they insist all family members follow
• Anger and aggression when things do not happen as they want
• Sensitivity to criticism
• A narrow field of interests. For example a person with Asperger syndrome may focus on learning all there is to know about cars, trains or computers.

 Mum thought that my obsessions, social awkwardness and the fact that I talk to older people than people my own age displayed that of an autistic child 

I went on to check various websites and quizzes to see if I had it. I spoke to my Nan about it, the quizzes said yes, my Nan said that although I may not have it, some people still have the characteristics of it without actually having it. 
I thought about this for a year! Then I thought a bit more. 
MAYBE I'm just introverted? 
Characteristics of an introvert include

• Very self-aware
• Thoughtful
• Enjoys understanding details
• Interested in self-knowledge and self-understanding
• Tends to keep emotions private
• Quiet and reserved in large groups or around unfamiliar people
• More sociable and gregarious around people they know well
• Learns well through observation

- http://psychology.about.com/od/trait-theories-personality/f/introversion.htm

Now, I relate to all this so it might just be that. 

Anyway that's all from me today.

STAY AWESOME!

The story of my life

So you already know a lot about me but i was thinking, what if i were to write an autobiography, this is kinda the reason for this blog. Actually getting my story out there and making a difference to someones life.
Anyway here is a bit of my story:

I was born on the 19th of August 1999, the middle child stuck in between my half brother Dylan and my little sister Tegan. 
I grew up in Rutherford, as a youngster I loved climbing trees with a passion I was also interested in all kinds of nature we once had a lizard in the front garden who I named 'Lucas'. As a kid, I remember me and my bro used to dress up a lot he would be Spider-Man and I would either be batman or Wonder Woman. I remember when we would sit in the sandpit in our backyard and catch ants. Dylan used to tell me to feed them... But I never did, they all died. 
My nan tells me this story of when dad used to work on his car (he is a mechanic) and I would go under the car and "help" him. Apparently I would come out from under the car with grease on my face. 
When I was about 3 I started having breathing problems, I was diagnosed with asthma. I don't really remember it in exact detail but I just kept living life. 
One day when I was probably 4 years old, my dad had this bulky video camera. When dad was hungover a and mum was at work, I picked it up and did a bit of filming with it. I don't know what I did... The footage is lost but mum still brings it up to this day. I dream to one day expose all the old home videos and maybe recreate a couple. 

In pre school it's safe to say I was a cry baby. I was always the kid who cried on the way to school and when my parents left- but this didn't just last a few weeks, this lasted ages. I was so attached to my mum. Now, I am gonna mention something that all my close buds know. When I was 3 or 4 I was always having nightmares of death and stuff like that. My mum gave me this purple teddy bear with a picture of grapes on him and he smelled like grapes. I called him grapie. Anyone who's known me long enough knows that I still sleep with this teddy. 

When I started 'big school' in 2005 I think I had like one friend her name was Maddison, but even though she was my friend I still sat alone at lunch time...I was the teachers pet who no one really liked. I used to sit under a tree and dig in the dirt for worms, sometimes I would come home with rocks and sticks in my pocket- believe me I was one strange child. 

2006, what do I remember from that year? Still being the strange kid who never spoke. I remember going to America with my uncles and grand parents and having a blast at Disneyland, I remember doing a lot of writing. Stories and poetry were things I often had running through my head. I still made friends but again didn't hang with them... Why? Because I always considered myself an outsider, the Lone Ranger, here one minute gone the next. Although I was free- I didn't have anyone constantly calling me over to sit with them, I didn't have to make space on my calendar for many play dates. I was very lonely and often found myself enjoying the company of year 5 kids and at home adults are my personal conversation preference.

In good old year 2007, I made friends and actually hung around with them I did however get in a bit of trouble with my year two teacher and now, looking back I just laugh at what stupid things they were. One of the things I remember was colouring when the teacher was talking. I thought it was the end of the world when I got in trouble for that! Also in that year I started karate with Josie. It was on a Friday we had to do it. I think I lasted a year or two before throwing that out the window. Karate was a confusing thing for me, we learnt some weird routine thing which I didn't understand. The real reason why I quit was because every second Friday my brother would come over and stay for the weekend. Karate seemed to go forever and by the time I was home I either was too tired to talk to my bro or too hyped up and in attack mode. I quit to spend time with my bro.

in 2008, i made a few more friends and met this girl, lets call her Kate, you'll hear more about her later. During this year, I wrote a story and the assistant principle liked it and photo copied it for her own family members.One thing that people always tell me is how bad my handwriting is, the assistant principle at my school was no exception, she acknowledged my handwriting but also gave me some advice. She said to me "Cal, our world is progressing quickly. New technology is coming out and soon, you won't need neat handwriting, you'll be able to just type it up!"  At our school we were mixed classes (year 3 and 4) we had a different teacher for maths, English and home room. In my English class, there were 3 people from my year including myself and the teacher was amazing.

In 2009, Kate and I became close friends and I discovered an amazing and talented guy who also passed away that year, my obsession with Michael Jackson started with the song 'black or white'. 
Year 4, i got my puppy Bindi she is a Labrador. 
I was asked a question from my teachers about computers and she sent me to a gifted and enrichment day for computers, I was told that only 2 people from each grade were chosen per school for this day and it was an honour to go to that day. My parents were very proud of me for doing that. 

In 2010 and 2011, my love for writing became a big thing and I started doing a bit of public speaking I think it's safe to say that year five and six were my two favourite years I had the BEST teachers and I had confidence and belief in myself in year six we had to write a debate like speech every morning, then we would split into groups, read out our speech then the other people in the group would vote for the best. They would then have to say it in front of the class. I was always chosen and surprisingly I loved it! It was like my shyness was on a two year holiday, whatever happened to that kid with the confidence I will never know. In year 6, my neighbour Bryce came over saying that he'd joined a volunteer organisation called St. John Ambulance. I didn't do anything out side of school so I thought why not give it a go? And the result? I am still into it and glad I joined. I did however get teased a bit at school people mixing cadets up with scouts and at that time, girl guides were the thing that EVERY girl did. I also did a fair share of travelling those years like to USA in 2010 and New Zealand in 2011.

In 2012 I learned to ALWAYS bring your diary to class, never put your hand under a desk, do your homework and stay under the radar. I mainly hung around with Kate and another friend I had. The other people I had met in primary school still sat together but me? Nope I stayed with one girl. Looking back I think I could have made other friends as well as the friends I had but nope I didn't. Kate and I were inseparable, people often asked if we were lovers, sisters, cousins etc but we told them that we were just best friends.
We were walking into class one day when I forgot my diary so the teacher grabbed me by the collar just as I was walking in the door, he dragged me out and just got me to stand there until I realized I had left my diary in my bag- oops I was so embarrassed. The grades weren't too bad, I got straight A's in Japanese and I possibly made an enemy with my English teacher.

Year 8. The year that tore me apart. Well remember Kate? Yeah well she broke me to pieces at the start of the year. Found some new friends and then just suddenly didn't wanna talk to me, I trusted her with everything and not talking to her killed me inside. Whenever someone asked about her I just shrugged, if I told them about what had happened and they talked bad about her I stopped them, I'm not the type of person who works on the trust of somebody then talks shit about them. I didn't talk to her for 4 months before she sent me a long apologetic message, I forgave her but that piece of me is gone now, that close friendship will probably never happen again with anyone friends are so hard to make for me but are so easily lost, from that friendship I learned to not make close friendships anymore, if I tell you something about my life you must be pretty special. In year 8 I discovered a talent I had- drums, I could hold a beat for 10 minutes straight, I think I hung around with 5 people that whole year and my enemy English teacher got me for English again that year. I also got into state first aid comps with two girls from another division Emily Dando and Maddison Baldwin we won state I know that we wouldn't have won state without the help of the fantastic trainers, even though we only trained a few times there were moments when I was probably holding the team back as I was shy and didn't know them that well. on the state comps I learnt to always keep up the communication or you will be doing CPR for a really REALLY long time. In 2013 i started to think that maybe I had autism- Aspergers to be exact. All the symptoms suited me to a point where it was just scary. Mum often joked about me having it to the point where I took online quizzes which all seemed to point to Aspergers but whether I do or not I don't know, 

We then progressed to nationals which included going to an international cadet camp (ICC) I had only ever been on 2 school camps and they only went for three days so I was really nervous for this camp I had a lot of shit happen before it so I felt I wasn't in the right mental state for it. I thought I would hate it but I found a part of me that was missing. I made friends some made a really big impact on me like you wouldn't believe! I don't think I can ever think about hashtags again.i remember on the 4th day- the day after comps (where we came 4th) I wanted to go home because seeing my family the day before just reminded me of what had happened before the camp. Because of my social awkwardness, I often found it hard to come out of my shell and let loose. So parties aren't fun for me. But at ICC I went to a party and I had fun I enjoyed myself. But an overwhelming sadness came over me that night. It was the last night. Sometimes if I dream hard enough I feel like I am back there, in team devils with my awesome room mates.

Since then? WOW! I have experienced soo much!! 

Here are some highlights since then 

• One of my short films was screened in Melbourne 
• Went to Japan on a two week student exchange
• Competed in State first aid comps 
• Competed in National first aid comps in Darwin(came 3rd) 
• Got a job!! 
• Finally recognized my true potential 
• And made some awesome friends who i can finally rely on!

Let's talk about friends

I have often struggled to make friends 
I often speak about the amazing friends I've got at the moment.
But this is because I finally have truly awesome friends.
And I don't just say that, my friends are really amazing.

And back in primary school, I found it hard to connect with people my own age. My best friend in pre-school was my teacher! So when thrown into primary school, I found the kids hard to talk to, NOT because I found them rude or annoying but because I was shy.
I had like 2 friends in kindergarten to year 3. But I still didn't feel like I belonged! 
But then in year 4, I made a new friend. This was someone who I felt accepted me for who I was. There was never a dull moment with her. We were really close, visiting each other's houses every weekend we were just a part of the furniture. 
Finally I belonged in a real friendship. 
BUT LITTLE DID I KNOW IT WAS ALL GOING TO END

Then in 2013, something happened that changed me she broke me to pieces at the start of the year. Found some new friends and then just suddenly didn't wanna talk to me, I trusted her with everything and not talking to her killed me inside. Whenever someone asked about her I just shrugged, if I told them about what had happened and they talked bad about her I stopped them, I'm not the type of person who works on the trust of somebody then talks shit about them. I didn't talk to her for 4 months before she sent me a long apologetic message, I forgave her but that piece of me is gone now, that close friendship will probably never happen again with anyone friends are so hard to make for me but are so easily lost, from that friendship I learned to not make close friendships anymore. I haven't spoken to her since then. why? Because I looked back on the whole ordeal one day and noticed that she was slowly manipulating me, I had turned into a real jerk when I was around her. 

After that whole ordeal, my social skills seemed to be stripped away from me. I struggled even more. 

BUT SINCE THEN 

• I have made new friends 
• Have achieved many things I could have never imagined 
• I have worked out who my friends are
• I even made a speech to all of my year group at school 

The friends I have now are amazing, I wouldn't trade them in for the universe. 

Why I changed

When I was a youngster, my dream was to be a writer. Every day I would get a new idea, and I would write a narrative about it. 
I took a break from writing when I hit highschool... A lot happened in 2012 and I did something I regret to this day, I CHANGED MYSELF. 
You hear about people who change themselves for the better... But in 2012, I changed for worse. I'm not sure what it is that caused me to change so much. But in 2011, after having an awesome teacher and a great year, I was a confident kid who made friends easily. But the years leading up to 2011, I was very different. 
Then in 2011, I was great! My life was awesome, I was prepared for ANYTHING. 

Then came 2012. Like I mentioned earlier, I'm not sure what made me change. But I do remember one thing, I hung around with the same person for the whole year. She made friends easily when we hit highschool but I didn't- it might have been the whole idea of being in a different environment or not being with my other primary school friends that made me this way. Or it could just be my natural shyness... ANYWAY! After hanging with this friend, I turned into something I know I'm not. I was a BITCH! I got into arguments a lot- Not because I started them but because I had finally made a friend which I was sure I would keep forever. The problem? This friend liked to get involved in a lot of arguments. 
Anyway... I changed so much when I hung around with her. I pushed away all my old pals from primary school, I stopped with my writing because it was "Uncool" and well, I picked up some bad habits like swearing, discriminating and stuff like that.

But I hated it... I hated what I'd become, I just couldn't turn away that easily.
So that friendship ended the next year, and I struggled even more to make friends after that. I became really shy! I became super sensitive and my trust issues were at an all time high.

I had lost countless hours of sleep and still sometimes have a cry when I think about that friendship. Why do I cry about it? Because of what I've had to deal with after the "break up"
I struggled to find friends
BUT thank god my primary school friends had my back!

Now I have made so many more friends and they are absolutely AWESOME! Where would I be without them? Probably moping around in my room.
My confidence has been found again although I still have to battle with shyness and awkwardness in social situations but that's just me, I've always been like it!

AND NOW I PROMISE TO MYSELF, THAT THIS IS MY FINAL FORM, I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY PERSONALITY AGAIN!!  

I'm sensitive

So today I decided to go through someone's facebook account who I should be really close to.
I have known this person since birth, I see them regularly.
BUT!
And this is really bugging me.
When I was going through this account, I noticed something. I started to feel a strand of jealousy and anger burn up inside me.
This feeling was caused by something so little.
And so stupid.
This feeling was caused by a single photo.
A photo of this person at their year 10 formal.
It made me a little bit sad that I wasn't a part of it.
THAT AT SOME POINT
In this person's life, I wasn't there.
AT SOME POINT
This person missed out on a part of my life.

It's funny because, I used to be really close to this person.
And now, I see them building a close relationship with Tegan.
I'm not quite sure how I feel about it all to be honest...

Procrastination

Procrastination is a bit of an issue for me. I procrastinate with everything.
In fact, I started writing this post 2 months ago. The only sentence: "Procrastination is a bit of an issue for me."
This goes to show how badly I procrastinate.

Surely this can't just be a problem for me????

My Main Goal In Life?

I am often asked, "What is your goal?" 
This is an interesting question that deserves an interesting blog post answer.

Here we go....
My Main Goal In Life.
Well first of all I would like to state the obvious and say that nobody has the perfect life. Its just fact, some have it worse than others but no ones life is PERFECT!!
A great quote I saw on facebook is "Everyone is going through something so don't be a d*ck."
This is a very simple way of putting it all.

But you see, its 100% true.... Everyone is going through something.
It could be family issues, friends issues,
it could be that, that book report is due soon and you have no clue what you're doing, it could be relationship issues or it could even be just self  insecurity.

What I am trying to say is that my life is far from perfect, everyone's is. And I don't wanna be all like "Poor me." NO if that's what you're getting out of this post, you could not be any more wrong.

My main goal in life is a simple word: INSPIRE

I want to be the person everyone looks up to, it could be through my film making, my writing, blog posts it could be through anything. My goal is to inspire. As a wannabe film maker, I want to be one of those celebrities that always have time for their fans, that donate money to charities on a regular basis, the celebrity that participates in various community activities. I want to be an approachable celebrity.Use whatever power I possess, to inspire others.

If I can inspire just one person a day, or bring a smile to their face, then I will know I've lived a fulfilling and rewarding life.