Quick post while i'm supposed to be working but instead i'm thinking

Fate has a strange way of working
For me, I have always hated my last name. People always struggle to pronounce it, and every time we have to do something in alphabetical order, I am always somewhere in the front. And alphabetical seating plans usually put me near someone I don't really like.

This is an example of a day where I heard we were in a seating plan, rolled my eyes and prepared myself for a "great year"

But its moments like this where I find the good in the situation. Thinking back… If I didn't have this annoying last name "Bercini" I wouldn't have been seated where I was seated in year 10 English, I wouldn't have been seated across from him and the first staring contest wouldn't have occurred and wow life would be different.

Is it love? (from April)

On the 27th of April 2015, after talking to someone special, I lie in bed with crazy thoughts going through my head, did this guy love me? Did I love him? I stare at the ceiling for an hour with these thoughts. I then hop on to my blog and write the following

 "So lately I've been thinking about a specific guy and he's everything I've ever wanted in a boyfriend.

Now as mentioned in a previous post, I haven't had a serious boyfriend before. So right now I am faced with a question.... "Is it love?"
Like, I feel like....uh it's unexplainable.
He knows me inside out, hes really cute and funny. He's probably one of the best guys i've ever met. And personality? His personality is amazing.
OK I really like him.
But I don't wanna tell him directly as I don't wanna ruin the great friendship between us if he doesn't feel the same way.

Maybe I will tell him one day but until then, this is going on the internet for the world (and possibly him) to see. "

This was never published until now 

And it wasn't long after that I told him about these feelings.

Last night I found this unpublished post and remembered debating myself whether to publish or not. I ended up not publishing it straight away because I was embarrassed, I didn't want him to see it. Since then, he has become my boyfriend and I have told him about this post and he said I should publish it.

So that is how you are reading this.

That's all for now folks
Stay Awesome

50 facts about me

I have a lot of time on my hands so I thought I would try to type as many facts about myself that I can before running out of facts.

HERE GOES NOTHING

1. My name is Callie Ann Rose Bercini
2. Rose is my confirmation name, she is apparently the saint of charity?
3. "Ann" is a middle name that has been passed down from my great grandmother who's name is Ann, my nan is Kerrie Ann, mum is Jodie Ann, I am Callie Ann and my little sister chose "anne" as her confirmation name so she wouldn't feel left out.
4. I actually really don't like introducing myself as "Callie" I hate how I say it because I just hate the sound of it so sometimes I introduce myself as "Cal"
5. I hate it when people mispronounce my last name, whenever I order a pizza and they ask for my last name, I say "Watson" because it is my mums maiden name.
6. I have just wrote 5 facts based on my name
7. I find this amusing
8. My eyes are blue but I have been told that they change colour sometimes.
9. I love superheroes and Batman
10. My favourite singer is Michael Jackson
11. I have a large collection of nicknames these include: grimmie, grimsta, war-zie, wugga, sunshine, little MJ, Batman also a collection of names starting with "Cal" such as: cal-dawg, cal-pal, cal-gal and callie wally
12. I pretty much answer to anything though
13. My favourite colours are blue and purple
14. My favourite number is 4
15. I love it when people make reference to Michael Jackson songs
16. I sometimes accidentally speak in different accents which annoys me
17. I am able to recognize most MJ songs by just the drumbeat or bass line.
18. I am actually really insecure
19. My birthday is the 19th of August
20. I get embarrassed easily and am also really shy
21. I am strongly against alcohol
22. I procrastinate a lot
23. I want to be a movie director some day
24. I am not too fussy with food however I haven't eaten cheese that wasn't melted since I was little (yes I only eat cheese when it's melted) I don't like butter on bread (i know i'm weird) and yogurt unless its frozen
25. Saying all this, I would probably eat all this with a straight face in order to not be rude or cause dramas
26. I am terrible in intense situations... I laugh. People cry? I laugh. Getting yelled at? I laugh. Why? Because laughter is contagious and when people cry I want them to laugh in order to stop crying. Or maybe its just a reflex.
27. I have asthma
28. I also possibly have chronic fatigue syndrome
29. I hate being a teenager
30. I have a turtle named Crush and my sister has a turtle named Squirtle
31. I quote MJ songs in every day life all the time
32. I see dead people and have predicted the future before multiple times
33. I love travelling
34. I really don't understand myself
35. I am really forgetful sometimes
36. I don't follow trends too often
38. apparently I can't count
38  37. I have a burning desire to help people
38. I have thought of suicide in the past but I'm still here
39. I often over think things
40. I am a wallflower
41. when I was younger, I wanted to be an author
42. But I think film is best for me
43. I have a wide music taste and am open to new music but fear that one day people will be listening to music that has no feeling
44. I am keen for the future but also slightly scared
45. I look up to many people
46. I trust too many people
47.  I am running out of facts
48. I have a youtube channel.... you should check it out "grimstaroxx"
49. I will make it to 50 facts and then I will stop
50. I try to make my own life interesting for you all, and yeah you just read 50 facts
 

My first kiss

Okay HELLO EVERYONE IT'S STORY TIME
Today I thought I would share with you my first kiss story
As I mentioned earlier, I have only just got into my first relationship (2 months today)
So as an inexperienced kisser, I was a little bit scared and nervous when my boyfriend said he was going to kiss me.
The next day at school, my hands shook as I thought about what he'd said the night before, and then he looked at me with a lot of love in his eyes. I was afraid of kissing him because I didn't want to disappoint him even though I knew that he wouldn't care too much if I was a terrible kisser.
So a whole school day passed and we were on the bus, our friends wanted us to kiss, I wanted to kiss him but was afraid of failing at it and making him hate me for it.
Weird fear right?

ANYWAY
For me it was my first kiss, he'd kissed people before so he knew what he was doing.
So as the bus got closer to his bus stop he moved n closer to me and his lips pressed up to mine, I was scared of judgement so I said "sorry, that was terrible"
What. The. Feck? YOU DON'T SAY THAT!!

Its a gift I have, say the wrong thing.
He laughed and said "Wanna try again?"
So we kissed again.
I don't know what it was, how you could classify it. But I felt so embarrassed that i'd failed and said "I'm so sorry, I'm bad at this"
He wrapped his arms around me, and I think we were hugging for like 10 seconds as he said "It's okay, you're alright" I buried my face into his shoulder in attempt to hide my embarrassment.

My first kiss was interesting but this is what happens when you are an awkward teen. Would I kiss him again? Hell yeah! Although it was slightly awkward, I felt so alive and knowing that he still loves me even if i'm a bad kisser brought so much happiness into my life.
It has taken 3 days for me to be able to write about this and finally get my thoughts into words.
Just wanted to say I fecking love my boyfriend!

When people say they want to be just like me.

It has been in recent years when I have had a number of people tell me that they want to be just like me.
How do I feel about this?

Well...
You don't want to be like me.
Really you really don't.

I mean sure it may seem great to you.
But please don't be like me.

As a youngster, I always imagined myself to grow up to be carefree, to be free spirited, I imagined exactly what I would look like. I didn't have any scars (not self harm scars.... I hate it when people mention scars and get automatically labelled as depressed like haven't you people ever heard of life scars, you know from unintentional harm?) in my vision, I was tanned, my eyes were more blue, my figure was slimmer, my confidence was higher.

I grew up to be NOTHING like i'd visioned myself to be.

Slight disappointment

I never thought I would grow up to be an awkward kid filled with anxieties and crazy unimaginable stress.

I never thought I would be consumed by these anxieties. I never thought I would be a victim of panic attacks over small things.

And sure, my life has gotten significantly better in the past year, some may see my achievements as an inspiration. But young child, you do not want to be just like me. I am a confused mess behind closed doors, on the surface I am cool, calm and collected but underneath I am probably on the verge of a panic attack or having/ losing an argument with myself.

Stay awesome guys and please serve as your own inspiration, create your own path. No, create your own road, your own city. Create your own life.

Singleness update

"Friday, 17 April 2015

Singleness

As a 15 year old, a common question I am asked is "Do you have a boyfriend?"
And the answer
is 
no. 

I am a single pringle 
I have been for a while
in fact, my first boyfriend was a boy named Jayden or something. I was 4 and he was a little older. We met once a week at his house because my uncle had guitar lessons there and I would always go along.
Each week he would ask me the same question "Are you my girlfriend?"
Each week I would say yes.

THEN CAME THE BREAK UP

I don't know exactly what happened but I remember this...

we were saying our goodbyes 

when suddenly 

Jayden's little brother stabbed me with a car key just missing my eye.

There was blood running down my face.

I NEVER SAW THEM AGAIN

Fast Forward to today....

I haven't had a boyfriend since but am still often asked "Do you have a boyfriend."

This really gets me thinking...

Do I want a boyfriend?

The answer is yes BUT it has to be the right guy. 

• Someone who's funny with an amazing personality 
• Someone who's supportive
• Someone who can handle my love for Michael Jackson
• Someone who has taken the time to really know and understand me
• They must like superheroes and roller coasters 
• They need to be able to cope with me going away without any jealousy BECAUSE I can't stay in one place
• They also must like travelling

Do I see my Prince Charming liking me in the near future? Do I even see my Prince Charming? Well... I don't know really.

I would like a boyfriend but I would be so awkward as a girlfriend and would probably have no clue what to do haha. "

              

Oops! I made an error...

Hang on

let me fix that

As a 15 year old, a common question I am asked is "Do you have a boyfriend?"
And the answer
is 
YES

Story time

High school- they're the years where the adults say "they're the best years of your life"
Where the students say "Small fish, big ocean"
Teachers say "Study hard" and "this prepares you for the real world"
AND parents give advice after telling everyone that "he/she/xe grew up so fast"

Some advice I was given before I went to high school was to make new friends because people change.
I wish i'd listened to that advice sooner...
It's no secret that I can be a little bit awkward in the friends department.
You probably already know about my friendship with "Kate" and how it all turned sour.
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS POST IS ABOUT

I could have listened to the advice I was given
But I stayed with Kate and Kate only.
Sure I had some side friends.
But Kate was my only real friend
Kinda sad writing that... Ouch!

ANYWAY!!!!

Being friends with just Kate and looking back on it, I turned into something i'm not.
Kate had a very fiery personality.
She had a short temper, would pick fights with anyone, would often swear and call people insulting names. She basically was everything i'm not.
I DON'T TALK TO KATE ANYMORE SO I DON'T KNOW IF SHE'S CHANGED OR NOT.

So me being me, I just went along with everything Kate did. Why? Because I wanted a place to belong. I felt accepted by her, we had thoughts of having children of our own and making them become best friends like we were.

Do I miss it? Probably...
Would I go back to it? NO!
Why?
Toxic friendships aren't made to last. I don't ever want to be someone i'm not.

SOME OF MY BEST MEMORIES ARE WITH KATE.
How do I feel about this?
A little sad, but hopeful for the future, that i'll create more memories with other people.



So that's my blog post for today... Sorry it's not a light and happy one but uh it happens.
Stay Awesome